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Le syndrome d'anniversaire.
La fuite en avant, c'était déjà il y a quelques années. Mon incapacité à me fondre dans la masse, a devenir cette éponge qui absorbe, qui pompe et draine les autres. Maman m'appelle et je pleure doucement au téléphone, je lui raconte le bourdonnement derrière les oreilles, la langue sèche et aride, la fièvre qui avoisine les trente-neuf degrés, les cauchemars et la sueur, quand je me réveille nue près d'Antoine, qu'il rigole lorsque je dis LA maladie, LE virus, comme si ce n'était plus ma propre bactérie, mais soudain une entité universelle, une épidémie que je portais en mon sein et qui pouvait éradiquer les autres, je dis Maman et elle réponds « c'est juste le syndrome d'anniversaire ».
L'anniversaire, c'était ce qu'il y avait de douloureux, changer pour ne rien vraiment changer, se prendre une tranche de plus mais bon, la vie d'adulte, c'est dégueulasse. L'anniversaire c'était ces sonneries acides qui restaient silencieuses, ces gâteaux pour dix qui ne se finissaient jamais et plus tard, ma solitude, à moi, comme pour rassurer les autres, où je m'endormais vers dix heures dans ma chambre, où je faisais des détours dans le quartier, pour faire croire que c'était important.
Et la douleur aigue dans les tempes, l'angine à l'emporte pièce, j'éradique doucement les messages de S., je les efface comme l'on décapite la volaille, je suis sans rien, sans étât d'âme, j'efface et je ne regrette rien. Lassitude de ses petites mesquineries, son égoisme précaire, ma soit disant folie, ses colères d'enfants lorsque je ne suis pas douce et puis s'en aller, parce-qu'après tout, c'est plus facile de courir vers ce qui nous dépasse.
Sans doute, mes allers-venus y sont pour quelque chose, de cette foutue bactérie qui me vertige les paupières, le réveillon, champagne et puis champagne jusqu'à l'épuisement, un balcon grisé, glacé où je restais dans ma robe noire froissée à fumer des pétards et puis fluide, encore les marches, les escaliers, les vestiaires, le bar, le champagne et cette villa parisienne qui n'en finissait pas, cet homme qui me parle de l'énergie solaire sous des vestiges de neige, je lui réponds que je suis ici par hasard, et puis narines blanches, coeur crevé et rire dans mon sautoir de perle, marelle et petite défonce d'un après-minuit qui m'enrhume déjà, les mains sur le volant, je le préviens "je n'aime personne". Dans sa salle de bain, décortiquer les flacons, jouer à quatre mains sur les rebords de lavabo, faire valdinguer Dior, les tubes, me démaquiller sur les cabinets, champagne, dernière herbe qui brûle la tête, debout contre l'encolure de la porte, regarder ce type sourire, et moi je m'en fous, je pense à rien, je casse ma flûte contre mon talon, il me regarde comme un insecte, à moitié nue, à moitié pâle. Je lui demande de se droguer ou de me faire l'amour, mais de choisir.
Matin blême, et l'on se caresse comme on se blesse, d'une première nuit qui suinte l'alcool, je suis lasse, je suis déjà malade et de rentrer chez Antoine, fou de colère, habillée comme un garçon, de ce pantalon trop grand qui me laisse préfèrer les nuits solitaires, et Antoine, toujours que je ne me résouds pas à quitter, comme si l'on me passait sur le corps, mais pour de faux, pour du jeu, dehors il pleuvait et puis contre sa nuque, aujourd'hui, regarder ses mains pleines de médicaments, ses douces attentions, et rauque et lasse, lui mettre les doigts dans la bouche, lorsque trop souvent, il me demande si je l'aime encore un peu.
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